Shinigamis and snails don't always mix
by MissWingedLioness
Summary: Grell gets to love snails. William and Sebastian don't. Humor, Crack, slight AU. Rated T for some swearing. One-shot.


**Humor/Crack /Slight AU**

 **As always, I don't own Kuroshitsuji's characters. Yana Toboso does. I only own Crimson Rose the mighty snail! Or maybe I don't. :D**

 **Shinigamis and snails don't always mix.**

Once upon a time, in the Shinigami Realm…

Grell Sutliff was slacking off as usual, taking a nap in the gardens near the Dispatch and thinking about his darling Sebby. Oh, how she would have loved to conquer the demon's love… but after all, a lady never gives up when she's in love. While she was thinking this, another thought popped in her mind: she recently had seen a spot on TV where humans used snails' slime in order to produce a miraculous cream that could avoid wrinkles forever. The problem was, she couldn't buy that cream because the services that used to sell it had to send it at home and Grell couldn't make them go into the Shinigami Realm, it was forbidden. Not that Shinigamis could age, it's true, but Grell loved the idea of taking care of herself. In every way possible. And if she got even more attractive thanks to this cream, she could make Sebby fall in love with her for sure. Yeah, sure.

So, when she was about to stand up and get some paperwork done, she caught the sight of her incredible and unlikely savior: a little snail, with a brown and reddish shell, that was calmly eating the leaf of a nearby plant of roses. And Grell got the final idea. The smell of roses plus the snail's slime were perfect together: they would help here in her quest of love. That's why she picked a red rose and the little snail and made her way back to the offices.

x.X.x

She was so happy she couldn't ever think. What an idea! She truly was a genius! Sebby wouldn't even try to resist her after using that awesome cream! In the meantime, an unaware Ronald was making his way to the office he and Grell shared and then he noticed his senpai humming happily to a snail and decided to stop and have a little chat with him just to make sure he hadn't got crazy once and for all.

-"Sutcliff-senpai, what in sweet Rhea's mind are you doing with a rose and a snail?"

-"I'm sorry Ronnie, you couldn't understand, you're too young and bold!"

Slightly offended by his senpai's accuse (you see, the redhead and Ronald had a mother-son relationship so they used to tell everything trivial and important to one another without even thinking if it was right or wrong) Ronald decided he needed to know what Grell was doing with that snail, so he said:

-"Try me senpai, come on. You know you can trust me, mommy."

This got Grell. When Ronald called her mom, she lost all her good intentions about not telling him her new and revolutionary idea and started to talk.

-"Oh, Ronnie dear, you see, I've got an idea! By combining the roses' smell and the snails' slime I can create a wonderful beauty cream that will make my face more and more beautiful, making Sebby fall in love with me forever!"

Being a smart guy, Ronald caught an awesome opportunity. If senpai could conquer the demon butler with that cream, he could use the same cream as a gift for the secretaries that he wanted in his bed by the end of the day. His senpai truly had a damn-fine idea. This is when Ronald offered his help to the redhead and this is where poor William's demise began.

x.X.x

Grell and Ronald truly were the awesome couple but they needed William's help to produce the cream. Why? Because they needed one cream sample from the human world and they didn't know where it could be sent… apart from William's second house in the human world.

When one Shinigami has a good wage he or she can buy everything wanted. Shinigamis don't need to eat or to satisfy any particular need. When they drink alcohol or eat something it's just because they want to, not because they need to. So their wage is used to buy the things they desire the most. And William desired a calm, beautiful house in the human world, a place where he could relax and take care of the garden, the pidgeons and himself without having to think about his incapable colleagues. That's why when Sutcliff and Knox informed him of their little plan, William facepalmed and almost fainted. Those two really wanted to kill him and his peace.

Moreover, William hated snails since his journey to France, where, after asking for a salad in a restaurant, he found a living snail in it that was kindly looking at him (1). As I said, Shinigamis don't need to eat so he left his meal there and ran away. He never ate salad after that episode. Then, when he came back home, he found all his plants ruined by snails and he instructed his pidgeons to search and destroy (2) snails as soon as they noticed them. That, until one of his favourite pidgeons, Mr. Albert Grey, almost chocked while trying to fulfil his master's orders.

William. Hated. Snails. Those little devils where unprofessional and they were also haunting him! And now Sutcliff had paired with one in order to ruin his existence. No, that couldn't do. He tried to refuse Grell's request but she knew how to make William say "yes". Using his "lost puppy big eyes" technique, he got William to do just as he wanted and William wondered just why he allowed himself to be dragged in all this strange and messy history. Plus, how on Earth Grell had managed to call the snail "Crimson Rose"? Oh, just fuck it all.

x.X.x

Friday evening. Three Shinigamis inside a house, preparing a cream with their human cream sample. Grell was talking to Crimson Rose, Ronald was playing with flour and William was welcoming his newly-obtained headache.

While watching Grell bouncing around his home with Crimson Rose in a hand, he got an idea. If he had to suffer because of this, that Michaelis would suffer to. The fuck, he loved Grell and she was all over that demon scum! Oh my, did he really think that? Fuck again, he should just get a holiday, his mind was tricking him.

But with Sebastian's suffering in his mind, he went straight for the Phantomhive Manor, being as quiet as possible. Not that Grell and Ronald would notice him, they were too busy destroying his house. If one week ago someone dared tell him he would find himself in this situation, he would have beaten them right there and then and then, maybe, danced on their body with high heeled shoes. Unprofessional? Yes. Satisfactory? Also. But let's return to his current situation.

x.X.x

When he arrived at the Manor, he had to knock at the door. But before knocking, he made sure to take a giant rock that was lying in the ground. Sebastian opened the door and William hit him with the rock. In the head. Sebastian was not amused.

After some fights and many insults, something like "scum bitch" or "ass-pruner", William convinced the demon to come with him. Sebastian accepted just because he wanted to get rid of the death god without waking his master up. It was late night after all. However, he decided he wasn't fine with not knowing why he had to come with William so urgently. And he asked:

-"I'm sorry ass pr… ehm, Mr. Spears, why do you need me so urgently to your house?"

-"It's none of your business. Or better, it is, but I'm not too fond of the idea of ruining surprises. It would be very ungentlemanly of me." With this one, William let go of a not-so –caracteristical smirk.

-"Fine, but this better not take too long, I have duties to fulfil."

And when they arrived at the house, the three death gods explained Sebastian what was going on. Do you think high-ranked demons can faint? Well, in every case Sebastian did. Sebastian. Hated. Snails. They ruin gardens and stain cat's fur with their stupid slime. That was the day William and Sebastian understood they had something in common.

Snails truly are a plague.

(1). This is a true story. My mother went to France once, she stopped by a restaurant and ordered a salad. The salad had a snail in it which was looking at my mother with a curious look. She was disgusted. Obviously, she didn't eat the salad. XD

(2). Have you seen Hellsing? Integra says Alucard "Search and Destroy" and so does William. With pidgeons.

 **Kathy's corner!**

 **Hi everyone!**

 **I decided to publish this cracky story because I got inspirated by all the snails that eat plants in my garden. I hope this will make you laugh. Or smile, maybe? My grandma always is angry when she sees them. XD**

 **English is not my mother tongue so please, bear with my grammar mistakes. I'm rating this T for some swearing.**

 **Reviews are always welcome! Kisses, kisses,**

 **Katherine_Lionhearted**


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